For instance, maybe you often cook meals for your family because your partner is “bad” at cooking. In reality, they could learn how to cook or make simple meals—they just don’t feel like it. Over time, weaponized incompetence can cause a lot of tension and stress within the relationship. Since one partner is taking on more of the mental load, they often feel taken advantage of.
“But I don’t know how to mow the lawn. ” “Can you call the kid’s doctor? I don’t know how to schedule an appointment. ” “I can’t remember how to convert this to a PDF. ”
“I cleaned the bathroom, but I think I used the wrong cleaner. Now the floor is all sticky. ” “I tried to do a load of laundry, but I shrunk your favorite sweater. I’m sorry. ”
“I know you asked me to repot the plants, but you’re so much better at it. Could you take over?” “I started to wash the windows, but they don’t look as good as when you do it. You’re so much better at this than I am. ”
“Oh man, I totally forgot to do the dishes. I already have plans tonight; can you do them?” “I completely forgot that you asked me to vacuum. I’ll get to it, I swear. ”
Try taking a mental inventory of all the chores you do during the day. Now, do the same for your partner. If things aren’t relatively equal, it’s time to talk about it.
Your partner should be there to help and uplift you, not to add to your burden.
“Could we talk for a minute? I’ve noticed that you tend to ‘forget’ when I ask you to do things. I’m starting to feel a little resentful, especially because I’ve been doing most of the chores lately. ” “Hey Aaron, can we chat? I just feel like I’ve taught you how to enter in your hours multiple times now, and you should be able to do this on your own. If you’re still struggling, maybe you could talk to the boss instead. ”
“We could try making a chart of everything that needs to get done, then checking them off one by one. Which chores would you prefer to do during the week?” “This is everything that I’ve been taking on during the day. It would be great if we could split up that list and make things feel a bit more even. ” Explain how the help would be beneficial to you, make your life easier and maybe even help the relationship.
Say something like, “I’m sure you’ll figure it out,” or, “Try looking it up,” as a way to signal that you won’t be helping them.
“From now on, I need you to do your half of the chores. If you don’t do them, they just won’t get done—I’m not going to take over for you. ” “I don’t have time to walk you through any more of your tasks. If you need help, you can ask someone else. ” “I need you to pull your weight around the house. If things don’t change, I’m going to have to re-evaluate this relationship. ”
